I'm afraid - I admit. Afraid that I will travel all the way back there, tracing my steps and such, to find a place where the energy that was me once played. I'm afraid that back there I will not only feel but know that the line was broken. That I had been deceived into thinking that time apart could rekindle passion. That in truth I had allowed a coldness to seep into my heart and a laziness into my bones. I have noticed flies about me. They are reminder that decay has found its way to me.

What can I say, father? I understand - but I don't, how could I? Since I'm not you and haven't walked in those shoes. Truthfully I don't, I'm not empathizing when I say I understand, I'm acknowledging the logic. The logic of indifference - behind the why you let me go so far and didn't wait for me to come back. It was me.

It was me that pulled me through and did the work. Surely with help - I don't state the contrary, but that is to say, without you - I have come this far, me without you. And I think, that's why you stayed away, or rather, why you focused elsewhere. I didn't need you to get here. I am fine, I turned out well. Like a recipe tried for the first time you didn't manage to fuck up; but knowing that there was a strong possibility you could.

You see, I get that. I understand. I'm glad I saved you from that guilt. Of having a son you couldn't have a hand in raising that grew up to be an embarrassing mess. That would have been on you, whether or not you tried. I get that. I understand. But what does that leave us, Pops? I'm close to being called a man and you're close to being called a dad. Where does that leave us? Now so accustomed to doing without each other.

Truthfully I'm saddened by it. By knowing that that time has passed. That it will never be the relationship between a boy and his father I had imagined. That I will never get to look up to you imaginably, with wonder, as super man. But that's not to say I'm ungrateful. You gave me life and you didn't put yourself in my way. Yet, that's the reason I'm writing this. Because you weren't in my way cept in the way I wanted you to stay.