My Dreams Are Too Sell Fish

I don’t remember much, because there really wasn’t anything that stood out about her to me. I remember a silhouette, I remember imagining a face, but it was not her face, or at least the features were not the same. Under that sort of light or lack thereof, it is amazing how ones imagination can shape the contours of another’s face. So much can be achieved by making friends with darkness, especially if she is allied with pernicious thought.

I cannot say I loved her, I did not know her for very long, its more of a signification of a lust or simple infatuation, but then comes a hurt, a most insidious and mysterious one at that. This is where many of us become confused, because we think that it is our love for that significant other that is in pain, but really it is our own pride which is pained and we are hurt ever more because we feel lowered by it. It was against my pride which I surely loved more then her and could not see it be stained in anyway or handled in care that was not suitable to my means or allowance. This being said in the end I love myself more then I have ever loved her, and I truly feared being hurt myself- as in pride – more then I cared about her, but that was simply to say that in the end I never cared for this girl or any other more then I cared for myself.

I assume that some would say that this is a sad truth and that we should be able to love something more then ourselves, and that true loss is when we lose that thing. In this case I would say I am the victor because then truly I have never lost anything that has been valuable to me. But then what does this say about pain, because I have lost things before and it has grieved me, of this I am sure, and it hurt, the pain was real. This would only serve to exacerbate the terror I preconceive at the loss of something I care for more then myself.










I did not love her, I loved myself. This is what I have always been taught to do, to love myself before others, and in this way I have some control as to the exposure of pain I allow my body to submit to. This is a way of controlling your emotions, not only the ones that you may have, but the ones that you are going to have.
I have known for sometime now that many of us try to, or are successful in being able to control our emotions; it has even become a very valuable job trait. Action free from emotion or with modified and amplified emotion based on thought and logical thinking can be a most dangerous thing. We have found ways of distancing ourselves from the nature in the world but we are still caveman to the nature inside, elements of the heart still batter down our lean-tos.

I guess the main part of this entire entry is that we must all achieve some sort of mastery over ourselves. We must be masters of ourselves if we are to be masters of anyone or anything else, we must love ourselves before we love anyone else, we must fight for ourselves before we fight for anyone else. I say must and you may think that in some way I am selfish, but truly, who acts out of selflessness, none of do, none of us has. So stop this under the table dealing with the devil and be open about it, you are selfish, yell it into the megaphone, and scream it out, “I AM SELFISH!”