The way we met, was wonderful. Two strangers in similar silence in the same time and space. Our conversation began as most abruptly do, on the topic of something seemingly random, and yet not entirely unfamiliar. Openers we had both used countlessly.

"Hello there!"

"What are you here waiting for?"

And presto. A new couple pages filled in the story of my life.

To me, to whom all people are adventures, how much can I expect of this one?

Until recently I had assumed a lot. But then, that optimism is carried with every possibility of a new adventure, a new something. Newness is a most attractive thing. Even more so, in some cases, than outward beauty. Although not usually, and never totally.

So here, again, a new topic of thought on long subway rides, cardio workouts, and writing. A new face, which, I have not entirely taken to memory. I can't fantasize about her until I have her face firmly in my memory. And yet, I didn't take note of her face.

Why didn't I? Maybe because, I know that she's leaving soon.

To pursue a career, a dream, a goal. And she's doing so well. Do I want to stop her? Hell no. Why? Maybe because, I know how hard it can be to set a goal and then to achieve it.

Most people are goal makers and fakers, hardly are they ever actually achievers. I am attracted to achievers, it's so unfortunate. Because they're always the ones that will end up leaving this shit hole that is local, that is small, that is what you talk about in a cafe somewhere in Europe.

I don't know. She's an eater, she can eat her weight, ha!. But she's sweet, and she's kind. She's a good speaker, she is organized, and she's smart. She is, everything I want.

And don't take my meaning of "everything" all too literally. She's not some idealistic Helen of Troy and she doesn't come near to approaching what I might consider the Platonic form of the Femme. But at least for me, a being who is entirely human, she is enough.

Well, as far as I know her she's enough. She can make me happy, and I could do the same for her.

But, I don't know if I want to be made happy by her. She's only going to leave. And we already know how that's going to feel. How that will make you act, and what it will eventually make you do.

That isn't a place we want to revisit.

And so, I've chosen to close the door on her. Before she even really takes a step into my world. I'm saving her and I the trouble of getting to know each other, get attached, and then feeling the way we do when we finally have to part.

Is that sad?

A part of me says yes. There's that liberal, that is, French, part of me that says, live now and die later. Like, I should be able to talk to her, I should be able to let myself get closer to her, to get to know her, because, those are experiences that I could never have again. There are things I could exchange with her that I might never experience otherwise. She is still an adventure.

But what keeps me form it then?

Well, wouldn't it simply be that I feel as if it will be a waste? If after all the time, all the effort, all the money, she still leaves? We know that, we aren't ready to accept that. Because, we don't know what we can really expect from her, we can't even really say whether or not we know her yet. So, we're ready to risk not getting to know her.

Does that make me a coward?

What does that make me otherwise? Smart?

I don't think smart is the word for it. We aren't really finding solutions, we're finding ways out. So I mean. In the end... she was great, I can say that truely. She was wonderful. But, she'll be gone soon. I'd just rather she left my life on my terms. So, whether I am smart or a coward or simply a variation of both, I am, clearly, selfish.