The smell of wood by our fireplace has been with me since I was very young. It's the closest thing to feeling outside while staying indoors. And today, for some reason beyond me, my grand mother has chosen to light the logs that lay in a metal cradle by the door to the backyard.
My cousin and I watch rapt in a silent solemnity as most children do when experiencing something new. There's nothing but smoke that curls and grips the logs for a while as my grandmother uses a twice folded over newspaper to fan the wood. We lay on the couch, bellies down, propping our chest up onto the chair arm.
Flames appear at both edges of the log like weak flagella. Their tendrils swell slowly, sprout and spread. For the first time that I can remember, there's a fire in the fireplace.
We all huddle on the chair arm - small butts fitting nicely. I hold my knees to my chest and I find myself focusing into the fire. I start to imagine that I can somehow draw on the flame, to make it grow or weaken, to move it. My vision blurs as I seem to no longer be focusing on the fire anymore but the heat itself.
The heat presents itself to me like a stranger I've bothered. It looks back at me as if to say, no one else should be here, how can you see me? And I shake my head because I don't know. I blink and feel water has built up at edges of my pupils.
Somehow I find myself going deeper into the flame. The heat is now genuinely interested me and I can feel it taking advantage of my openness. It's starting to trade places with me and I feel a pressure building in my head.
But I can't stop looking. Something is happening here that isn't routine. It isn't within the general experience of those I know. Of my cousin or my parents. Somehow I know this. I have to keep up my exchange, it's the only way.
Sweat pools in my pores and I feel cold and burning. I say, mama, I feel sick, and my grandmother looks at me while holding a hand to my head. I break my connection with the flame and whatever was in it. I roll my body to rest my head on the chair arm and I can still hear the fire beyond.
EDIT: I'll finish later. Need to go home for the day.
